Message to my American Brethern and Sistern on Paddy's Day

First of all, Happy St Paddy's day. Before the Yanks got a hold of it, Paddy's day was mostly about going to Mass, and not a lot else. It needed some American razzmatazz. Without you, we would never have had fresh-faced, baton-twirling girls from the Midwest, marching down O'Connell Street in the pouring rain, while wearing impossibly tiny skirts, and managing to smile despite the frost bite. Of course, there is also the giant piss up that it has become. That, I believe, was imported from the streets of Manhattan, as was the parade idea. So, we owe you a big thank you. However, a couple of things - I am at pains to point out that I am not admonishing or lecturing you here, many of my favorite things (burritos, the electric guitar, to name just a couple), came from the U.S.'s need to borrow, improve, and make boat loads of cash from other cultures' traditions. In general, I wholeheartedly approve of this; however, there are two areas where you have fallen down. #1: we don't eat corned beef and cabbage. Ever. We do eat bacon (big, salty lump o' boiled ham), and cabbage (big lump o' cabbage with the arse boiled out of it). When I say we, I mean the collective we. Personally, I never eat bacon and cabbage because it tastes like old, boiled, salty sock. And I'm vegetarian. So, although you may like corn beef and cabbage, it ain't an Irish dish.

And #2 is the whole "Happy St Patty's Day" thing. I know Patrick has a "t" therein, however when abbreviated, we insert two "d's." We are awkward like that. Sorry for that, I realise it's not intuitive, but nevertheless when someone types "Happy St Patty's Day" to me, it makes me want to thump seven types of shite out of them, and that's not good, especially when they were only being nice.

There thats it. Happy Paddy's Day to you all.

Love, John.

P.S. Leave the Guinness alone. It can't be improved upon, and it only comes in two colors, black and white (always simultaneously), never green.